Why Nobody Likes You – 4 Steps to Deal with Their Opinions

What People Are Really Thinking About You - 5 Steps to Deal with Projections and Stories, stories, rejection, mistakes, dealing with others, drama, group dynamics, communication, requests, authenticity, integrity, roommates, roommate fightsI recently moved into a new place and I set about doing my best to become part of the community.

Except it seemed like I kept making mistakes. I was supposed to clean this in a certain way. I wasn’t supposed to pick that from the garden. I didn’t ask the right person about whether or not I could use this. The list goes on and on.

Mistakes Were Made
I was doing my best to be mindful, but when you’re new, you make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are met with understanding, sometimes they’re met with irritation.

It’s not so much a factor of how nice the people are or how clear the guidelines may be. The real key is the assumptions other people make about what’s going on in your mind.

You will make an error and someone will begin to say something. As they speak you realize they have already formed an opinion about who you are and why you are doing this.

Story Time
I have seen in the eyes of others dialogues about me being selfish. Stories about me being dirty and thoughtless. Stories of my malice, my rudeness, and my general disregard for others. It matters little whether their assessments are true. The mind seeks to rationalize others actions.

I do this just as much. There are times I make up stories about the stories they must be telling. I have projected many ideas onto other people.

But it’s always hard to know what to do about it. Arguing with others’ stories is useless unless there is trust. And very often, there isn’t.

So, what do your do when you confront others strong opinions about who you are?

1. Listen the Best You Can.
People want to be heard more than anything else. Even if they have a story about you, it’s best to just listen. Try to hear what they are saying without objecting internally or externally.

2. Reflect Without Ownership
Reflect their perspective using phrases like these: “So you imagined when I did …” and “From your perspective that meant…” Don’t take on blame or guilt, but reflect their perspective. Until we feel heard by someone else, it’s hard to be open to another way of seeing. Arguing with their stories really won’t help.

3. Don’t Own the Story Internally or Externally
I want to reiterate, DON’T OWN THE STORY. It’s their story, know that it isn’t true. One perspective is rarely true.

Only if the person is a trusted advisor should you hold their perspective with a lot of weight. We rarely see ourselves with clarity and are even less clear in seeing others. Because everything is filtered through our own lens.

4. Ask Them to Make a Specific Doable Request
Once you feel like you have heard their story or complaint ask them to make a specific doable request.

Unsure what that is? A specific doable request is something you could film on an iPhone before the battery dies. For example, you would be willing to take out the trash tomorrow or help with the dishes tonight.

Avoid vague requests such as, ‘Can you clean better?’ Or, ‘Can you communicate more?’

These are common requests but they have no back end and no way to know if you’re doing them. Without specific parameters, you will never know if you have completed the request.

The request also can’t be a demand or an ultimatum. If the request comes in the form of, do this or else, it’s a demand. The ‘or else’ may be implied or very blatant in either case it isn’t a good faith request.

If it’s a demand, there isn’t much you can do about it. You can try to change it into a request but it may not work. Usually demands stay demands, and in either case the next step is …

4. Are You Willing to Do it?
Are you are willing to meet their request from a place of authenticity and integrity? Submitting to someone else’s desires won’t work over the long haul. If you can honor the request in good faith, great!

Clarify what they are asking and let them know you’d be happy to do it. If you aren’t then say so or excuse your self from the situation and perhaps the relationship.

Relationships are built on trust and safety. If you don’t feel safe, then the relationship won’t work.

Be polite and firm. Offer negotiation if you are willing to negotiate, but life is too short to give up yourself to others.

No relationship is worth sacrificing who you are as a person. Harmony is just as important as respecting your own boundaries.

MindFitMove Practice
What is one area of your life where you struggle to create and maintain boundaries?
Come up with 2-3 strategies to start creating boundaries in that part of your life.
Practice saying No in a kind gentle way to things you only do out of obligation.
Practice saying Yes to your life, your values, and your own authentic self.

 

Just Be Ordinary

Dedicated to Martin Luther King
an ordinary man who 
changed the world
Just Be Ordinary
 
Our society worships celebrity. It seems wherever we turn we are being told that we must be on TV to be exceptional. In reality, you are actually more interesting, meaningful,  and special than most celebrities. I know, because I’ve met, lived, and worked with them.
Fame
I worked for many years in the music business. I met famous people and even worked with a few ‘celebrities.’
Here’s what I learned about fame:
 
1. Authenticity is rare: Many famous people are very private and isolated. The reason is most people kowtow and kiss up to you. It’s hard to know if someone likes you or just likes your status.
2. Honesty is rare: Not many people will tell you how it is. They want to groom your ego. This may sound great. But people need honestyto develop trust and maintain sanity.
3. Deep satisfaction is rare: Fame is a game of comparison. There is always someone more famous. There is always a bigger tour. Even though they are catered to, very often ‘famous’ people aren’t happy. 
 
Whether or not someone is famous it’s their ability to be ordinary that sets them apart. By far the most amazing people I’ve ever met have been ordinary people first and last.
What does it mean to be ordinary?
 Being ordinary is about being human. Being ordinary is realizing that talent alone doesn’t make greatness. Being ordinary is a vital step on the path of transformation.
Being ordinary doesn’t mean resigning yourself to fate. It doesn’t mean giving up. Being ordinary means relying on your humanity.
What makes people like Mother Teresa, Ghandi, and Martin Luther King amazing is how ordinary they were.
None of them were super human. They were ordinary people who were devoted, passionate, and wouldn’t give up.
Don’t Be Superman
Trying to be super human doesn’t work. Just look at Lance Armstrong, or Barry Bonds. What If they had accepted their lives and their abilities without enhancement?
 Would they would have been amazing figures of sport? Probably. Maybe not as amazing, but they would have achieved great things.
But instead they tried to be something more and ended up being something less.
Being ordinary is about embracing the everyday. It’s about affirming our life, just as it is.

 MindFitMove Practice

Embracing the ordinary is a skill. Here are 3 tips to help you be more exceptionally ordinary today:
 
1. Stop Comparing
We only get into trouble, when we compare ourselves with others. Ordinary life can seem disappointing compared with a semi-scripted television show. But ordinary life isextraordinary.
That’s one problem with comparison. When we compare, we always find ourselves lacking. When we compare we put others on a pedestal.
I would encourage everyone to stop comparing. Only compare if it motivates to go further. Just remember it usually does the opposite.
Run your race. Train the way you need to. Don’t worry about what that other person is doing at the gym. Focus on the work you have to do. Because only you can do it. 
 
2. Practice Satisfaction
 In the U.S. it seems like being dissatisfied is a pass time. We proclaim our preferences loudly and proudly. We complain, we sue, and we act offended.
We don’t have to do this. Instead, we can learn to be satisfied with less. When we learn to be satisfied, we learn to be content.
However, we have to practice satisfaction.
Try being satisfied with the substitute yoga teacher. Try being satisfied without your iPod on a run. Try being satisfied with your performance, even if it isn’t perfect.
3. Express Gratitude
Write down one thing you are grateful for everyday. Sit down with your partner, friend, or family member and tell them  why you are grateful for them in detail.
Say thank you to servers, bus drivers, and most importantly yourself.
Thank yourself for running, for doing your best to eat right, for trying something new, and for transforming your life.
These 3 simple things will change how you look at your life, how you feel about your life, and how you live your life.
Be amazingly ordinary, because it takes many ordinary people to change the world. It takes one ordinary person to transform their life. That ordinary person is you.